Obsessed anime nerds of the world, it’s time to pack it in. I mean, this is it. This is finally the anime reality. You will likely never reach the level of anime this man has. Just think about all the factors that had to be in place here. He had to be in the same car as the fight, be there long enough to know about the situation, have his katana on him, and be lucky enough not to get shot after escalating the situation by pulling a weapon. Something like this will likely never happen again, or at least not for a very long time. The only thing left for him to do now is commit seppuku and allow the anime hordes to build a statue of him out of pocky and manga.
Aww yeah, folks.
I used to practice kendo for quite a while, and one day decided to see what kind of books on kendo were on iBooks. I had no idea at the time that my minor curiosity would lead me to find the greatest tale ever written. This epic poem will make Romance of the Three Kingdoms look like baby’s first novel. I’m talking about Kendo by Chris Mooney, written in 2005. Kendo is currently $2.99 on iTunes, but there is a generous free sample available for download. I urge every single one of you reading this to download that sample and read it, but do not buy it. If you buy it, it may encourage Chris Mooney to write a sequel, which would be the best and worst thing to ever happen.
Mooneyand Elliott. Both are hard working American students in high school. Both live normal lives like everyone else. Ya, right. After being accepted into one of the most prized private schools in Japan the two find themselves involved in an adventure that will rock the rest of their lives. Not only are the two not your average students, they are both exceptional martial artists with powers passed down for centuries, powers that both shock and baffle their exchange familys daughter, Yui. Add a little humor, a pinch of romance and a butt load of martial arts action and youve got one of the greatest martial arts epics of all time.
Reading the downloaded sample of this novel was an experience I will never forget. It was like having a fever dream while the Dragon Ball Z theme song blasted into my ears on repeat. The novel basically follows Grey Acumen and Emerald Templar, as they embark on a new life as students at a MARTIAL ARTS HIGH SCHOOL in Japan. Despite apparently being sponsored to come to Japan, go to school, and live with a host family, they just show up with no money or luggage. Their host family are kendo masters, including the young Yui, who seeks her equal in the world of kendo. Will she find her equal match/love interest in Chris!? I must know! Here are some choice parts from the very first paragraph:
Chris had his Kendo stick and his fingerless gloves that were black in color. Elliot had his own Kendo stick and also his sunglasses, that was all. Elliot was dressed in black cargo pants, white shirt and a trench coat that looked like the one off of Matrix. Chris was dressed in a set of blue cargo pants with a brown dress shirt with long sleeves. On their feet were black boots and tennis shoes. Chris wore the boots and Elliot the shoes.
I feel like I bored a hole into Chris Mooney’s head and watched his greatest anime desires spill out onto the ground. I don’t know why he decided he needed to spend three sentences describing their Grey Acumen costumes, or why he seems to always capitalize “Kendo” and “Karate” like they were angry gods that must be honored at all times. I also don’t know why he based his entire character’s martial art around kendo, but didn’t take two minutes to look it up on Wikipedia and learn some of the terminology. Why even call it a kendo stick when you’re trying to emphasize their fencing abilities? Because shut up, that’s why. You wanna know what happened to the last punks that challenged Chris Mooney?
“You American?” The youth asked in broken English. Chris smiled even wider and nodded his head. He placed a foot in front of him and placed his back right foot two inches back from his shoulder. His toes were pointed forward from his body as he hunched down and now held the Kendo stick with both hands by the handle. Elliot stepped a few feet to Chris’ right and crossed his arms with a smile […] Chris then pushed with his left foot, which was still planted and finished the strike by following through with his movement. He stopped himself a yard away from the teen and stood up straight as the teen fell to his knees, dropping the sword which he’d been holding moments before. He held his ribs and was gasping for breath as he turned to look at Chris. Chris was still hold [sic] his Kendo stick with his right hand, his grin was still on his face.
“H-How… the….hell…????” The teen asked as Chris turned to look down on him.
“Simple, you lifted your left arm too much and I took advantage. Good night now.” Chris said as he planted both feet and hit the boy with his stick right across the right side of his face.
That would be you. You would have the Kendo stick sword blade planted into your face good night now, so you better watch your fuckin’ mouth. Only one person has managed to say anything but pure praise for Kendo and survived.
This has to be the weirdest book I’ve ever read – almost like anime in book form. Totally fanciful, unbelievable characters and no plot to speak of. The non-story just lurched from one fight scene to the next without any respite.
It was also full of bad English and typos, I was wondering if that was an ebook issue. Having said all that it was somehow strangely compelling. I actually finished reading it even though it was annoying, but I wouldn’t recommend it. Nothing like Chris Mooney’s other excellent books.
Other books? I couldn’t believe it, but a quick search for Chris Mooney’s website revealed an author of the same name. At first, I thought this was the same guy, now hoping to hide his shameful past with Kendo after moving on to gritty supernatural crime thrillers. Unfortunately, this is a different guy, though people seem to confuse him with the Kendo Chris Mooney quite a bit:
Why aren’t the books Kendo and the two nonfiction titles, The Republican War on Science and Storm World, listed on your website?
I didn’t write any of those books. Everything I’ve written is posted here on the website.
We may never see a sequel to Kendo, but at least we’ll always have the audiobook. Let’s listen to a sample:
Meet Eric Draven, or thedarkericdraven as he is known through most other websites. Eric Draven has taken his online handle from the main character of The Crow, and believes he is a reincarnated Chinese half-giant kobold warrior that had magic powers, a magic sword, and a “willing slave” that was reincarnated as one of his classmates named Stephanie. Unfortunately, he seems to have wiped his tumblr, so I could only grab parts from the cached version. He mainly used this tumblr to talk about how being “otherkin” was just like being transgendered, and obsessed over the idea of regaining his magical kobold powers. He also kept hope that his classmate, Stephanie, would regain her “previous life’s” memories and submit to him as a slave again.
Most of this information was produced when he was an active member of the TVTropes community. His frequent admissions to being an open pedophile and delusions of being a kobold finally led to his banning, especially after his defense of pedophilia-laden anime works like Kodomo no Jikan. He was given an offer to return to TVTropes under a different user name, but instead chose to join a TVTropes off-shoot site called It Just Bugs Me. It’s on these forums where he revealed he believes anime exists in its own dimension, like Toon Land in Who Framed Roger Rabbit? This delusion is also why he would frequently refer to himself as a hero and talked about personalities like they were fictional character traits.
I apologize for not being able to grab more of his past life fantasies. He holds onto the belief that he was a half-giant kobold magic swordsman that fought in the Second Sino-Japanese War. He claims he fought against the Japanese in support of the aristocracy, despite the fact that the legitimate Qing dynasty head at the time was literally a puppet ruler installed by the Japanese during the war. He seems pretty open about these delusions, so once they show up again I’ll be sure to grab them for a follow up! In the mean time, I’ll leave you in awe with a picture of the man himself.
The potato man in these videos went by the name of Colonel McBadass on TVTropes. Despite TVTropes being infamous for being a haven to anime obsessed pedophile apologists, he was banned when he ranted at a 15 year old girl when she said she felt creeped out by adult men hitting on her. After being called out on his behavior by someone going by Roland Jones on a different forum, he decided to post up a video to show the whole world his greasy opinions on statutory rape laws.
UPDATE: The greasy sperglord made his videos private, so here’s a summary!
UPDATE 2: Statutory rape video is back up!
FAST AND HARD!!
You think this is something? Give me a full minute, and a gaggle of schoolgirls(Japanese, preferably.) and see how many asses I can whup! In a good way, of course.
Cane Video: Fat guy in super puffy vest flails some old man cane for thirty seconds while screaming, “I’M LIKE THE FUCKING FLASH WITH THIS SHIT!”
That’s pretty intense! I wonder what this master fighter’s ideas on statutory rape laws are?
Statutory Rape Laws: Fat, sweaty man squeezes his face directly against his webcam. He then spends about five minutes talking about how statutory rape laws are unfair and break up innocent relationships because you aren’t a child anymore when you turn thirteen years old.
Pretty much every anime forum has some kind of subforum dedicated to nothing but roleplaying. In these hugboxes, fat smug nerds can let their inner pre-op catboy Goku roam free and pretend to be something other than simply another suburban keyboard warrior. Let’s take a look at the epic tales these master storytellers are writing. (continue reading…)
He literally turns into Goku when he holds it.
Fuck this world.