You know, there’s an amazing amount of people out there that will read our site and come away thinking we’re an anime fan blog. I have no idea how you can get that impression if you read anything beyond the title. Do they think we’re showcasing our own stuff on this website? Do they think we own several mansions worth of anime decorated rooms? Do they think we’re also so far down the autistic spectrum that we’re infrared masses of manga, grease, and broken dreams? Somehow, people do. People like Apptendo.
This is like one of those fake OKCupid profiles featuring some fat sweaty nerd wearing a fedora talking about how he loves guns and ten year olds. Still, I had to find out if he was legit or not and ended up taking a look at his Facebook and Reddit accounts.
Somehow, the nearly vestigial sense of self-awareness Apptendo has held onto kept him from uploading his own picture to the internet. From taking a look at his interests and posts though, I think I can take a guess at what he’s like. Apptendo is the guy in your English class with long hair that looks like shit because he never takes care of it. He’s the guy that’s constantly raising his hand to ask questions, but only ends up rambling on whatever stupid shit he thinks is important. He’s incredibly skinny, which he confuses for being fit because his definition of being in shape is just “not fat.” He only wears video game t-shirts, anime t-shirts, and shirts with the names of obscure martial art styles on them. He thinks any girl that’s talking to him is hitting on him. His favorite anime is all of them. He probably had one or two good friends in high school, but stopped contacting them because it was cutting into his anime time. He reads TVTropes. He is TVTropes. He is you when you were nine years old and wanted to be a Power Ranger so fucking bad, but instead of being a Power Ranger, it’s having sex with big titted preteens.
Why are women so put off by the fact that I go out of my way to treat women like anime babies and pretend to be a knight? Haven’t they seen episode 28 of Sugoi Love Love Harem Atheist Ninja? That guy gets all the chicks on the show, so why isn’t it working when I do it in real life? This is why chivalry is dying, it’s all women’s fault! They deserve to date those big jerks if their retarded toddler minds can’t understand that I’m the only male on the planet that respects women for who they are. That bitch didn’t even offer to sleep with me and I HELD THE DOOR OPEN FOR HER!
Current Mood: Naruto
Listening to: How Could This Happen to Me – Simple Plan
MageKnight404 has taken a proactive approach towards his unrequited video game crush by creating a romhack to insert himself into the game. Watch as he finally confesses his love and realizes he should probably get a dog or something. The love confession starts at 5:50.
Everyone loves the start of a new year. It’s a chance to reassess your priorities and work on improving yourself physically and mentally. You can also just be a fat greasy animal and squeeze yourself into the local anime convention like an all-consuming cancer. Let’s take a look at what some of the upcoming cons are offering:
SON ROSS, are you there? It’s me, the DAD ROSS. You don’t have to worry anymore, son, I took care of it. I kicked the door in to that weak baby’s house with my steel-toed boots and tactical NVGs equipped. He started going off in his dumb jock voice, saying shit like “Get out” and “Who are you?” I gave him the ol’ ROSS family zing and said, “Me? I’m a rock. And a rolling stone gathers no ROSS.” Then I let him have it with my Remington 870, double tap right to his anime-hating core.
I hope you can read this, SON ROSS. He had one of those message things that go out when you type them like on America Online. I had to delete some of his junk though, some more crap about the ROSS. Something about a show called Cat Planet Cuties and you spending 25% of a review on a musical sequence that plays out entirely in Japanese with no subtitles, removing any possible emotional context you were trying to get across. Is that a thing you watch? The cute cat planners? How do I send this message? Is it this publish button?
These things we do so that others may live
Where are you right now? At home? On a laptop at school? Maybe even at work? What are you doing right now? I know you’re reading this article, but what are you doing? Are you on track to advance in your career? Are you working towards graduating high school or college? Both? I know I can tell you what you’re not doing. You’re not sitting on your twin-sized anime throne, making lists of your favorite anime boobies. There’s already someone doing that. His name is Ross Faries.
Ross, a graduate of the Drunk Elmer Fudd School of Acting, is one of the hundreds of nerds trying to waddle their greasy forms into the stagnant internet reviewer world. The kind of people that think if they scream about Dino Crisis 2 into their laptop webcam hard enough, they too can develop a fandom that will validate their lives and lifestyles. Ross has decided to throw his fedora into the risky world of Anime Reviewing and squeeze out a nice bit of butter-flavored fame all for himself. There’s a ton of assholes giving half-formed opinions on anime on YouTube already, so Ross had to mix things up a bit. He decided to focus entirely on the type of anime that gives him awkward nerd boners and hosts a show called Fanservice Fiesta on his blip.tv channel ParadiseandFaries.
A dumping ground for console reviews, Japanese only games re- discovered, pervy anime dissected, the Neo Geo Pocket Color exposed, and that’s just the beginning.
The show, or at least the basic form of it, has only existed for little more than a year so far. Let’s take a look at one of his special episodes, Fanservice Fiesta Special: Top 5 Anime Boobies.
Right off the bat we’re greeted with a montage of huge-chested anime girls squirming around and being molested. Once your family and friends suddenly feel a profoundly strong sense of shame for you, Ross presents himself and prefaces his list with this:
Unfortunately for me, being a fairly unattractive white male – and a nerd – I unfortunately have limited access to the real thing.
Ross not only details which cartoon girl designed to pander to awkward virgin nerds excites him the best, but also rates them on how much the anime itself focuses on their chests. Highlights include his number two pick, a catgirl character from some anime named Cat Planet Cuties, whom he refers to as “a sexy little pussy,” his distaste for lemon-shaped anime breasts, and choosing his number one on which breasts were drawn the most realistically (according to his anatomy textbooks).
Considering how objectively terrible his anime reviews are in both content and direction, it’s amazing how well he’s managed to keep a low profile online. He doesn’t seem to have much of an online presence at all beyond his anime videos and forum accounts on all the regular inept nerd hangouts (That Guy With the Glasses, ScrewAttack, etc.). I’m kind of amazed by this, since anime nerds are usually more than happy to barf out all the minor details about how exhausting it is trying to be special and live just like their animes. So kudos to you, Ross, for having some kind of idea of privacy. I’m looking forward to your Top Ten list of sexy anime toddlers.
Let’s Have Some Hot Cuddly Fun – m4w – 30 (Anime)
I am looking to have a lot of fun with a cute women who is interested in having hella cuddles and going on from there to even more satisfying fun. I am a white male who is 5’3 420lbs and d/d free and i know how to work it. I have my own apt and car so i can make it to you if you can’t make it to me. I am just looking to meet up with someone down to earth who enjoys just having a good time with a good guy who likes to laugh. I enjoy kissing, anime, rubbing, licking, and definitely goku among other things. So if you want to hang out with a good looking fun guy let me know and we can get together.
“If a society where dating your, brother/sister even cousins were ok, would you?” If you have siblings or any amount of self worth whatsoever, you probably said, “Hell naw, son. Why would you even ask dat shit?” That’s because the good folks over at MyAnimeList once pondered such a question. Let’s take a look at their answers.
It actually took me more than one viewing to get though this video, because as soon as I heard, “Hello, I am Twilight Windwaker,” I closed it on reflex. Good thing I wasn’t forced to listen to his anime porn preferences in public, like his junior college classmates.