Need to expand your social circle? Well, come on down to R&D Anime! You can find tons of people that share your interests and are also not allowed within 500 yards of an elementary school.
Fedoras are a staple dress item of nerd fandoms, especially anime ones. They’re basically the Axe body spray of the hat world, an item worn by the most socially inept in an effort to look cool. Let’s take a listen at what this couch full of nerds has to say about the glory of the fedora.
If you can’t make it through the whole thing, skip to 2:40 and finish the video from there.
SON ROSS, are you there? It’s me, the DAD ROSS. You don’t have to worry anymore, son, I took care of it. I kicked the door in to that weak baby’s house with my steel-toed boots and tactical NVGs equipped. He started going off in his dumb jock voice, saying shit like “Get out” and “Who are you?” I gave him the ol’ ROSS family zing and said, “Me? I’m a rock. And a rolling stone gathers no ROSS.” Then I let him have it with my Remington 870, double tap right to his anime-hating core.
I hope you can read this, SON ROSS. He had one of those message things that go out when you type them like on America Online. I had to delete some of his junk though, some more crap about the ROSS. Something about a show called Cat Planet Cuties and you spending 25% of a review on a musical sequence that plays out entirely in Japanese with no subtitles, removing any possible emotional context you were trying to get across. Is that a thing you watch? The cute cat planners? How do I send this message? Is it this publish button?
These things we do so that others may live
Where are you right now? At home? On a laptop at school? Maybe even at work? What are you doing right now? I know you’re reading this article, but what are you doing? Are you on track to advance in your career? Are you working towards graduating high school or college? Both? I know I can tell you what you’re not doing. You’re not sitting on your twin-sized anime throne, making lists of your favorite anime boobies. There’s already someone doing that. His name is Ross Faries.
Ross, a graduate of the Drunk Elmer Fudd School of Acting, is one of the hundreds of nerds trying to waddle their greasy forms into the stagnant internet reviewer world. The kind of people that think if they scream about Dino Crisis 2 into their laptop webcam hard enough, they too can develop a fandom that will validate their lives and lifestyles. Ross has decided to throw his fedora into the risky world of Anime Reviewing and squeeze out a nice bit of butter-flavored fame all for himself. There’s a ton of assholes giving half-formed opinions on anime on YouTube already, so Ross had to mix things up a bit. He decided to focus entirely on the type of anime that gives him awkward nerd boners and hosts a show called Fanservice Fiesta on his blip.tv channel ParadiseandFaries.
A dumping ground for console reviews, Japanese only games re- discovered, pervy anime dissected, the Neo Geo Pocket Color exposed, and that’s just the beginning.
The show, or at least the basic form of it, has only existed for little more than a year so far. Let’s take a look at one of his special episodes, Fanservice Fiesta Special: Top 5 Anime Boobies.
Right off the bat we’re greeted with a montage of huge-chested anime girls squirming around and being molested. Once your family and friends suddenly feel a profoundly strong sense of shame for you, Ross presents himself and prefaces his list with this:
Unfortunately for me, being a fairly unattractive white male – and a nerd – I unfortunately have limited access to the real thing.
Ross not only details which cartoon girl designed to pander to awkward virgin nerds excites him the best, but also rates them on how much the anime itself focuses on their chests. Highlights include his number two pick, a catgirl character from some anime named Cat Planet Cuties, whom he refers to as “a sexy little pussy,” his distaste for lemon-shaped anime breasts, and choosing his number one on which breasts were drawn the most realistically (according to his anatomy textbooks).
Considering how objectively terrible his anime reviews are in both content and direction, it’s amazing how well he’s managed to keep a low profile online. He doesn’t seem to have much of an online presence at all beyond his anime videos and forum accounts on all the regular inept nerd hangouts (That Guy With the Glasses, ScrewAttack, etc.). I’m kind of amazed by this, since anime nerds are usually more than happy to barf out all the minor details about how exhausting it is trying to be special and live just like their animes. So kudos to you, Ross, for having some kind of idea of privacy. I’m looking forward to your Top Ten list of sexy anime toddlers.
Have you ever found yourself doing push-up after push-up and thinking, Man, this would be so much better if I had this awkward looking anime girl under me? The answer is no, because people that think like that will not be exercising outside of swinging their swords.com katanas around in their backyards. That’s why the people at Creative Freaks decided to jump on this untapped market and release the first smart phone dating sim/exercise game, Burn Your Fat With Me!
Burn your fat with me!! uses the Japanese visual novel platform to provide players with the motivation to work out through “moe”, a Japanese term describing that special, heart-melting feeling you get when you see an adorable female character. We call it moevation.
That’s right! If you can’t get
motivated moevated to do things like not be fat and not eat all of the Doritos, then here is your solution towards a fit body. This app is fully featured with two, that’s right, TWO whole exercises that aren’t really effective for fat burning to do. You can do sit ups towards an anime girl, or you can do push-ups on top of an anime girl. Perfect for using it at the gym, in front of your parents, or right in the office!
The app revolves around you performing the exercise to your anime desire’s count, tapping the screen on each repetition. You can also turn on True Otaku Mode and just tap the screen without doing any of the exercises, which is pretty much how anyone that buys this thing will play it. The more consistent you are with your exercises, the more moevation points you earn. These points allow you to progress the dating sim story, allowing you to pursue your dream of an (anime) girl calling you, “Not fat.” This game is currently out now on the iOS and Android app stores.
Aww yeah, folks.
“What is behind me might be something that would get your mom pissed off. Well, except for mine, who is a liberal.”
Your liberal mom must be so proud of you, Anthony “A-Log” Logatto.