Obsessed anime nerds of the world, it’s time to pack it in. I mean, this is it. This is finally the anime reality. You will likely never reach the level of anime this man has. Just think about all the factors that had to be in place here. He had to be in the same car as the fight, be there long enough to know about the situation, have his katana on him, and be lucky enough not to get shot after escalating the situation by pulling a weapon. Something like this will likely never happen again, or at least not for a very long time. The only thing left for him to do now is commit seppuku and allow the anime hordes to build a statue of him out of pocky and manga.
Aww yeah, folks.
I used to practice kendo for quite a while, and one day decided to see what kind of books on kendo were on iBooks. I had no idea at the time that my minor curiosity would lead me to find the greatest tale ever written. This epic poem will make Romance of the Three Kingdoms look like baby’s first novel. I’m talking about Kendo by Chris Mooney, written in 2005. Kendo is currently $2.99 on iTunes, but there is a generous free sample available for download. I urge every single one of you reading this to download that sample and read it, but do not buy it. If you buy it, it may encourage Chris Mooney to write a sequel, which would be the best and worst thing to ever happen.
Mooneyand Elliott. Both are hard working American students in high school. Both live normal lives like everyone else. Ya, right. After being accepted into one of the most prized private schools in Japan the two find themselves involved in an adventure that will rock the rest of their lives. Not only are the two not your average students, they are both exceptional martial artists with powers passed down for centuries, powers that both shock and baffle their exchange familys daughter, Yui. Add a little humor, a pinch of romance and a butt load of martial arts action and youve got one of the greatest martial arts epics of all time.
Reading the downloaded sample of this novel was an experience I will never forget. It was like having a fever dream while the Dragon Ball Z theme song blasted into my ears on repeat. The novel basically follows Grey Acumen and Emerald Templar, as they embark on a new life as students at a MARTIAL ARTS HIGH SCHOOL in Japan. Despite apparently being sponsored to come to Japan, go to school, and live with a host family, they just show up with no money or luggage. Their host family are kendo masters, including the young Yui, who seeks her equal in the world of kendo. Will she find her equal match/love interest in Chris!? I must know! Here are some choice parts from the very first paragraph:
Chris had his Kendo stick and his fingerless gloves that were black in color. Elliot had his own Kendo stick and also his sunglasses, that was all. Elliot was dressed in black cargo pants, white shirt and a trench coat that looked like the one off of Matrix. Chris was dressed in a set of blue cargo pants with a brown dress shirt with long sleeves. On their feet were black boots and tennis shoes. Chris wore the boots and Elliot the shoes.
I feel like I bored a hole into Chris Mooney’s head and watched his greatest anime desires spill out onto the ground. I don’t know why he decided he needed to spend three sentences describing their Grey Acumen costumes, or why he seems to always capitalize “Kendo” and “Karate” like they were angry gods that must be honored at all times. I also don’t know why he based his entire character’s martial art around kendo, but didn’t take two minutes to look it up on Wikipedia and learn some of the terminology. Why even call it a kendo stick when you’re trying to emphasize their fencing abilities? Because shut up, that’s why. You wanna know what happened to the last punks that challenged Chris Mooney?
“You American?” The youth asked in broken English. Chris smiled even wider and nodded his head. He placed a foot in front of him and placed his back right foot two inches back from his shoulder. His toes were pointed forward from his body as he hunched down and now held the Kendo stick with both hands by the handle. Elliot stepped a few feet to Chris’ right and crossed his arms with a smile […] Chris then pushed with his left foot, which was still planted and finished the strike by following through with his movement. He stopped himself a yard away from the teen and stood up straight as the teen fell to his knees, dropping the sword which he’d been holding moments before. He held his ribs and was gasping for breath as he turned to look at Chris. Chris was still hold [sic] his Kendo stick with his right hand, his grin was still on his face.
“H-How… the….hell…????” The teen asked as Chris turned to look down on him.
“Simple, you lifted your left arm too much and I took advantage. Good night now.” Chris said as he planted both feet and hit the boy with his stick right across the right side of his face.
That would be you. You would have the Kendo stick sword blade planted into your face good night now, so you better watch your fuckin’ mouth. Only one person has managed to say anything but pure praise for Kendo and survived.
This has to be the weirdest book I’ve ever read – almost like anime in book form. Totally fanciful, unbelievable characters and no plot to speak of. The non-story just lurched from one fight scene to the next without any respite.
It was also full of bad English and typos, I was wondering if that was an ebook issue. Having said all that it was somehow strangely compelling. I actually finished reading it even though it was annoying, but I wouldn’t recommend it. Nothing like Chris Mooney’s other excellent books.
Other books? I couldn’t believe it, but a quick search for Chris Mooney’s website revealed an author of the same name. At first, I thought this was the same guy, now hoping to hide his shameful past with Kendo after moving on to gritty supernatural crime thrillers. Unfortunately, this is a different guy, though people seem to confuse him with the Kendo Chris Mooney quite a bit:
Why aren’t the books Kendo and the two nonfiction titles, The Republican War on Science and Storm World, listed on your website?
I didn’t write any of those books. Everything I’ve written is posted here on the website.
We may never see a sequel to Kendo, but at least we’ll always have the audiobook. Let’s listen to a sample:
Pretty much every anime forum has some kind of subforum dedicated to nothing but roleplaying. In these hugboxes, fat smug nerds can let their inner pre-op catboy Goku roam free and pretend to be something other than simply another suburban keyboard warrior. Let’s take a look at the epic tales these master storytellers are writing. (continue reading…)
slice those bottles gurl
He literally turns into Goku when he holds it.
LITERALLY SPRAYING CUM RN HOLY SHIT
[Ed. note: Video does not allow embedding so you have to click the link.]
Fuck this world.
Apparently Minecraft has been his new spergin obsession. He’s developed some kind of crafting mod that has apparently gained some kind of popularity. I, for one, am glad that he has been able to put his dedication and drive for doing fucking nothing his entire life to good use. I’m sure his parents are proud that his tireless efforts have allowed countless Minecraft players the ability to craft things better.