Obsessed anime nerds of the world, it’s time to pack it in. I mean, this is it. This is finally the anime reality. You will likely never reach the level of anime this man has. Just think about all the factors that had to be in place here. He had to be in the same car as the fight, be there long enough to know about the situation, have his katana on him, and be lucky enough not to get shot after escalating the situation by pulling a weapon. Something like this will likely never happen again, or at least not for a very long time. The only thing left for him to do now is commit seppuku and allow the anime hordes to build a statue of him out of pocky and manga.
I used to practice kendo for quite a while, and one day decided to see what kind of books on kendo were on iBooks. I had no idea at the time that my minor curiosity would lead me to find the greatest tale ever written. This epic poem will make Romance of the Three Kingdoms look like baby’s first novel. I’m talking about Kendo by Chris Mooney, written in 2005. Kendo is currently $2.99 on iTunes, but there is a generous free sample available for download. I urge every single one of you reading this to download that sample and read it, but do not buy it. If you buy it, it may encourage Chris Mooney to write a sequel, which would be the best and worst thing to ever happen.
Mooneyand Elliott. Both are hard working American students in high school. Both live normal lives like everyone else. Ya, right. After being accepted into one of the most prized private schools in Japan the two find themselves involved in an adventure that will rock the rest of their lives. Not only are the two not your average students, they are both exceptional martial artists with powers passed down for centuries, powers that both shock and baffle their exchange familys daughter, Yui. Add a little humor, a pinch of romance and a butt load of martial arts action and youve got one of the greatest martial arts epics of all time.
Reading the downloaded sample of this novel was an experience I will never forget. It was like having a fever dream while the Dragon Ball Z theme song blasted into my ears on repeat. The novel basically follows Grey Acumen and Emerald Templar, as they embark on a new life as students at a MARTIAL ARTS HIGH SCHOOL in Japan. Despite apparently being sponsored to come to Japan, go to school, and live with a host family, they just show up with no money or luggage. Their host family are kendo masters, including the young Yui, who seeks her equal in the world of kendo. Will she find her equal match/love interest in Chris!? I must know! Here are some choice parts from the very first paragraph:
Chris had his Kendo stick and his fingerless gloves that were black in color. Elliot had his own Kendo stick and also his sunglasses, that was all. Elliot was dressed in black cargo pants, white shirt and a trench coat that looked like the one off of Matrix. Chris was dressed in a set of blue cargo pants with a brown dress shirt with long sleeves. On their feet were black boots and tennis shoes. Chris wore the boots and Elliot the shoes.
I feel like I bored a hole into Chris Mooney’s head and watched his greatest anime desires spill out onto the ground. I don’t know why he decided he needed to spend three sentences describing their Grey Acumen costumes, or why he seems to always capitalize “Kendo” and “Karate” like they were angry gods that must be honored at all times. I also don’t know why he based his entire character’s martial art around kendo, but didn’t take two minutes to look it up on Wikipedia and learn some of the terminology. Why even call it a kendo stick when you’re trying to emphasize their fencing abilities? Because shut up, that’s why. You wanna know what happened to the last punks that challenged Chris Mooney?
“You American?” The youth asked in broken English. Chris smiled even wider and nodded his head. He placed a foot in front of him and placed his back right foot two inches back from his shoulder. His toes were pointed forward from his body as he hunched down and now held the Kendo stick with both hands by the handle. Elliot stepped a few feet to Chris’ right and crossed his arms with a smile [...] Chris then pushed with his left foot, which was still planted and finished the strike by following through with his movement. He stopped himself a yard away from the teen and stood up straight as the teen fell to his knees, dropping the sword which he’d been holding moments before. He held his ribs and was gasping for breath as he turned to look at Chris. Chris was still hold [sic] his Kendo stick with his right hand, his grin was still on his face.
“H-How… the….hell…????” The teen asked as Chris turned to look down on him.
“Simple, you lifted your left arm too much and I took advantage. Good night now.” Chris said as he planted both feet and hit the boy with his stick right across the right side of his face.
That would be you. You would have the Kendo stick sword blade planted into your face good night now, so you better watch your fuckin’ mouth. Only one person has managed to say anything but pure praise for Kendo and survived.
This has to be the weirdest book I’ve ever read – almost like anime in book form. Totally fanciful, unbelievable characters and no plot to speak of. The non-story just lurched from one fight scene to the next without any respite.
It was also full of bad English and typos, I was wondering if that was an ebook issue. Having said all that it was somehow strangely compelling. I actually finished reading it even though it was annoying, but I wouldn’t recommend it. Nothing like Chris Mooney’s other excellent books.
Other books? I couldn’t believe it, but a quick search for Chris Mooney’s website revealed an author of the same name. At first, I thought this was the same guy, now hoping to hide his shameful past with Kendo after moving on to gritty supernatural crime thrillers. Unfortunately, this is a different guy, though people seem to confuse him with the Kendo Chris Mooney quite a bit:
Why aren’t the books Kendo and the two nonfiction titles, The Republican War on Science and Storm World, listed on your website?
I didn’t write any of those books. Everything I’ve written is posted here on the website.
We may never see a sequel to Kendo, but at least we’ll always have the audiobook. Let’s listen to a sample:
It is a tale. Told by a pedophile, full of potatoes and violent threats, signifying nothing.
Welcome to the end of the Colonel McBadass saga. If you’ve been keeping up with his articles and the rambling comments he’s been vomiting out on this very website, you’ve probably noticed the delusional tough guy persona he puts on. His terrible views on statutory rape laws cultivated a lot of hate, but it was after he started threatening violence and sexual assault on a teenage girl that YouTube user shinkaito called him out on one of his endless fight challenges. Colonel McSanders tried to save face and agreed to this anime honor duel, making a response video (incorrectly calling him “masukaito”) and told him to meet up at a middle school for their showdown.
Shinkaito, wisely knowing this guy should not be anywhere near a middle school ever, set up an alternate location at a park. The potato took him up on this new location, giving various video responses where he claimed he was “training” for the fight and going to totally destroy shinkaito. Luckily for us, shinkaito had the consideration to bring a video camera and show what happened when the fateful time finally arrived. Let’s take a look at this exciting fight footage! Make sure you turn on annotations.
He never showed up. As you can see from his comment, he doesn’t even try to rationalize his hiding out by saying the whole affair was stupid in the first place. It’s the perfect event to close on this great potato adventure, and this video basically sums up his personality better than anything else could. Let’s take a short trip down memory lane to cap this off:
Hahaha, just kidding. A guy like this will probably have plenty of opportunities to humiliate himself some more, so keep posted.
An impassioned entreaty from the husband of Kotonoha Katsura.
LITERALLY SPRAYING CUM RN HOLY SHIT
[Ed. note: Video does not allow embedding so you have to click the link.]
Girls are the bane of every anime faggot’s existence. They all want to date that one Asian girl in their Art 101 class, but have to suffer by watching them date those JERKS that do things like bathe and have wardrobes without cartoon characters on them. They know those jerks don’t respect her and have probably never even thought of how totally kawaii she would be cosplaying some 12-year-old girl. They even held a door open for her once out of their powerful sense of chivalry and didn’t get so much as a handjob in return! Luckily, Nihonomaru serves as a safe haven for these enduring souls.
I should probably look at some of these other guys, maybe their comments might be less retarded.
Luckily, not everyone is having romantic troubles.
I will never get tired of this kind of shit. Few fandoms can match the anime fandom for the amount of people so smug and self-absorbed but horribly unaware of themselves.
Crunchyroll is a site for real anime fans. For only $6.95 a month you can legally watch the latest adventures of Naruto and support anime worldwide.
It’s a great idea, matched only by what a terrible idea it was to give those same paying members their own forums. What sort of issues do Crunchyroll members like talking about? Well, the same things all of us worry about:
GreyAcumen, a noble swordsman and soon-to-be poet laureate, has accomplished much in life. From swinging a nodachi with the skill of a Japanese samurai to writing fiction that makes Tolstoy look like Stephanie Meyer, GreyAcumen has proven himself a master of just about every trade.
GreyAcumen began his venture into poetry with “Tired of This,” an angst-ridden piece that, while still a masterpiece by any other standard, was merely a starting point in his journey. In “I’m Missing You,” Grey revealed his soft side, adding an entirely new level of depth to his outwardly self-confident, machismo image. Months of work finally came to fruition when Grey penned his magnum opus, “I am the Sword.” In what many scholars believe to be the modern day equivalent of Beowulf, Grey conveyed a sense of glory, honor, and betrayal stronger than any historical epic poem in a mere 26 lines.
I am happy to say that these newly discovered poems contain that same GreyAcumen level of quality we have all come to expect. “Pen vs Sword,” “Gloating,” and “What it all comes down to” will forever be preserved here for future generations to study and draw inspiration from.
Pen vs Sword
The pen is mightier than the sword
that one really has me floored
with just one swipe, one downward swing
the pen is not that strong a thing
it would break against a sword
the sword is action, the pen’s all word
A poison pen, now there’s a thought
but that reeks of a lowly plot
a sword or axe or punching dagger
when struck with these your foe will stagger
They deal with things face to face
put things blunty and in their place
So face your problems, don’t be suprised
when a sharp edge cuts it down to size
but if the problem still remains, then
maybe you should have instead used a pen?
Click through for the rest of the series.
Meet Drusky, aka Dragun_Souldier.