The Anime Reality RSS

Tag: hentai

Awfully Autistic Apptendo

by on April 28th, 2013 at 8:36 pm, under Image, Text

You know, there’s an amazing amount of people out there that will read our site and come away thinking we’re an anime fan blog. I have no idea how you can get that impression if you read anything beyond the title. Do they think we’re showcasing our own stuff on this website? Do they think we own several mansions worth of anime decorated rooms? Do they think we’re also so far down the autistic spectrum that we’re infrared masses of manga, grease, and broken dreams? Somehow, people do. People like Apptendo.

The beginning

The beginning

Apptendo just seemed a little bit too good to be true. Why would someone like this contact a site that makes fun of people just like them? Just look at his self intro on his twitter and his tumblr:

That about sums it up

That about sums it up

Hello, world.

Hello, world.

This is like one of those fake OKCupid profiles featuring some fat sweaty nerd wearing a fedora talking about how he loves guns and ten year olds. Still, I had to find out if he was legit or not and ended up taking a look at his Facebook and Reddit accounts.

A man of varied interests

A man of varied interests

Repressed memories

Repressed memories

Hentai High

Hentai High

Thanks for sharing

Thanks for sharing

Somehow, the nearly vestigial sense of self-awareness Apptendo has held onto kept him from uploading his own picture to the internet. From taking a look at his interests and posts though, I think I can take a guess at what he’s like. Apptendo is the guy in your English class with long hair that looks like shit because he never takes care of it. He’s the guy that’s constantly raising his hand to ask questions, but only ends up rambling on whatever stupid shit he thinks is important. He’s incredibly skinny, which he confuses for being fit because his definition of being in shape is just “not fat.” He only wears video game t-shirts, anime t-shirts, and shirts with the names of obscure martial art styles on them. He thinks any girl that’s talking to him is hitting on him. His favorite anime is all of them. He probably had one or two good friends in high school, but stopped contacting them because it was cutting into his anime time. He reads TVTropes. He is TVTropes. He is you when you were nine years old and wanted to be a Power Ranger so fucking bad, but instead of being a Power Ranger, it’s having sex with big titted preteens.

email
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Final Fantasy (Finaru Fantaji)

by on March 24th, 2013 at 8:09 pm, under Text

The Final Fantasy series has lost a lot of its brand integrity over the last few years, hasn’t it? Maybe most of us just grew out of the target demographic and don’t find Philosophy 101 styled anime soap operas all that appealing anymore. Square Enix has nothing to worry about though, since there will always be an audience out there just frothing at the mouth for the next installment so they can start writing their fanfictions starring their Original Characters (do not steal). Smug anime nerds and Final Fantasy fans go hand-in-hand, so let’s take a look at the Final Fantasy Forums and see what they’re up to.

I can already see where this is going.

I can already see where this is going.

Catholics love it.

Catholics love it.

I don't see why so many people complain about Uguu Toddler Kiss.

I don’t see why so many people complain about  Uguu Toddler Kiss.

Third World Countries: Pedo Paradise

Third World Countries: Pedo Paradise

Anime scents? Stale tears and Mountain Dew, I guess.

Anime scents? Stale tears and Mountain Dew, I guess.

Drag this person out into sunlight, please.

Drag this person out into sunlight, please.

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New Year, New Cons

by on February 15th, 2013 at 7:13 pm, under Image, Text

Everyone loves the start of a new year. It’s a chance to reassess your priorities and work on improving yourself physically and mentally. You can also just be a fat greasy animal and squeeze yourself into the local anime convention like an all-consuming cancer. Let’s take a look at what some of the upcoming cons are offering:

(continue reading…)

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Fanservice Fiesta: A Carnival of Sad

by on November 18th, 2012 at 11:44 pm, under Text, Video

Where are you right now? At home? On a laptop at school? Maybe even at work? What are you doing right now? I know you’re reading this article, but what are you doing? Are you on track to advance in your career? Are you working towards graduating high school or college? Both? I know I can tell you what you’re not doing. You’re not sitting on your twin-sized anime throne, making lists of your favorite anime boobies. There’s already someone doing that. His name is Ross Faries.

Ross with favorite Sonic hoodie. Not pictured: self-awareness

Ross, a graduate of the Drunk Elmer Fudd School of Acting, is one of the hundreds of nerds trying to waddle their greasy forms into the stagnant internet reviewer world. The kind of people that think if they scream about Dino Crisis 2 into their laptop webcam hard enough, they too can develop a fandom that will validate their lives and lifestyles. Ross has decided to throw his fedora into the risky world of Anime Reviewing and squeeze out a nice bit of butter-flavored fame all for himself. There’s a ton of assholes giving half-formed opinions on anime on YouTube already, so Ross had to mix things up a bit. He decided to focus entirely on the type of anime that gives him awkward nerd boners and hosts a show called Fanservice Fiesta on his blip.tv channel ParadiseandFaries.

A dumping ground for console reviews, Japanese only games re- discovered, pervy anime dissected, the Neo Geo Pocket Color exposed, and that’s just the beginning.

The show, or at least the basic form of it, has only existed for little more than a year so far. Let’s take a look at one of his special episodes, Fanservice Fiesta Special: Top 5 Anime Boobies.

http://blip.tv/paradiseandfaries/fanservice-fiesta-special-top-5-anime-boobies-6375993

Right off the bat we’re greeted with a montage of huge-chested anime girls squirming around and being molested. Once your family and friends suddenly feel a profoundly strong sense of shame for you, Ross presents himself and prefaces his list with this:

 Unfortunately for me, being a fairly unattractive white male – and a nerd – I unfortunately have limited access to the real thing.

Ross not only details which cartoon girl designed to pander to awkward virgin nerds excites him the best, but also rates them on how much the anime itself focuses on their chests. Highlights include his number two pick, a catgirl character from some anime named Cat Planet Cuties, whom he refers to as “a sexy little pussy,” his distaste for lemon-shaped anime breasts, and choosing his number one on which breasts were drawn the most realistically (according to his anatomy textbooks).

Considering how objectively terrible his anime reviews are in both content and direction, it’s amazing how well he’s managed to keep a low profile online. He doesn’t seem to have much of an online presence at all beyond his anime videos and forum accounts on all the regular inept nerd hangouts (That Guy With the Glasses, ScrewAttack, etc.). I’m kind of amazed by this, since anime nerds are usually more than happy to barf out all the minor details about how exhausting it is trying to be special and live just like their animes. So kudos to you, Ross, for having some kind of idea of privacy. I’m looking forward to your Top Ten list of sexy anime toddlers.

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A Proud Collection

by on October 29th, 2012 at 7:59 pm, under Video

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Keep it in the Anime Family

by on September 14th, 2012 at 1:16 am, under Text

“If a society where dating your, brother/sister even cousins were ok, would you?” If you have siblings or any amount of self worth whatsoever, you probably said, “Hell naw, son. Why would you even ask dat shit?” That’s because the good folks over at MyAnimeList once pondered such a question. Let’s take a look at their answers.

The OP to get us started.

The OP to get us started.

I want to email this to all his family members.

I want to email this to all his family members.

KissXSis is an anime where high school aged twins try to seduce their step-brother. Also, it's ffffffffffffffffuckanime

KissXSis is an anime where high school aged twins try to seduce their step-brother. Also, it’s ffffffffffffffffuckanime

Why bother learning how to talk to girls when grandma is just as good?

Why bother learning how to talk to girls when grandma is just as good?

They have a reason to hate you now too.

They have a reason to hate you now too.

We're getting into some meta shit here

We’re getting into some meta shit here

Let's end on a high note.

Let’s end on a high note.

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NYAF 2008 Hentai

by on August 8th, 2012 at 8:01 am, under Video

“What is behind me might be something that would get your mom pissed off. Well, except for mine, who is a liberal.”

Your liberal mom must be so proud of you, Anthony “A-Log” Logatto.

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One Man’s Message to the World

by on August 5th, 2012 at 3:56 pm, under Video

It actually took me more than one viewing to get though this video, because as soon as I heard, “Hello, I am Twilight Windwaker,” I closed it on reflex. Good thing I wasn’t forced to listen to his anime porn preferences in public, like his junior college classmates.

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World champion masturbator (NSFW)

by on August 1st, 2012 at 7:48 am, under Image, Video

Yeah, this is borderline not safe for work, I think. No actual nudity, but I doubt anyone wants to be caught by their boss while watching this, so be warned.

Here’s probably the best part of that video:

WORLD CHAMPION MASTURBATOR

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Look Out Leetstreetboys!

by on June 8th, 2012 at 3:54 pm, under Video

There’s a new anime music crew in town!

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