The Anime Reality

The Final Fantasy series has lost a lot of its brand integrity over the last few years, hasn’t it? Maybe most of us just grew out of the target demographic and don’t find Philosophy 101 styled anime soap operas all that appealing anymore. Square Enix has nothing to worry about though, since there will always be an audience out there just frothing at the mouth for the next installment so they can start writing their fanfictions starring their Original Characters (do not steal). Smug anime nerds and Final Fantasy fans go hand-in-hand, so let’s take a look at the Final Fantasy Forums and see what they’re up to.

I can already see where this is going.

Catholics love it.

I don’t see why so many people complain about  Uguu Toddler Kiss.

Third World Countries: Pedo Paradise

Anime scents? Stale tears and Mountain Dew, I guess.

Drag this person out into sunlight, please.

Everyone loves the start of a new year. It’s a chance to reassess your priorities and work on improving yourself physically and mentally. You can also just be a fat greasy animal and squeeze yourself into the local anime convention like an all-consuming cancer. Let’s take a look at what some of the upcoming cons are offering:

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I wish YouTube had some kind of time capsule service, where I could have this video play again for these girls ten years from now.

Where are you right now? At home? On a laptop at school? Maybe even at work? What are you doing right now? I know you’re reading this article, but what are you doing? Are you on track to advance in your career? Are you working towards graduating high school or college? Both? I know I can tell you what you’re not doing. You’re not sitting on your twin-sized anime throne, making lists of your favorite anime boobies. There’s already someone doing that. His name is Ross Faries.

Ross with favorite Sonic hoodie. Not pictured: self-awareness

Ross, a graduate of the Drunk Elmer Fudd School of Acting, is one of the hundreds of nerds trying to waddle their greasy forms into the stagnant internet reviewer world. The kind of people that think if they scream about Dino Crisis 2 into their laptop webcam hard enough, they too can develop a fandom that will validate their lives and lifestyles. Ross has decided to throw his fedora into the risky world of Anime Reviewing and squeeze out a nice bit of butter-flavored fame all for himself. There’s a ton of assholes giving half-formed opinions on anime on YouTube already, so Ross had to mix things up a bit. He decided to focus entirely on the type of anime that gives him awkward nerd boners and hosts a show called Fanservice Fiesta on his blip.tv channel ParadiseandFaries.

A dumping ground for console reviews, Japanese only games re- discovered, pervy anime dissected, the Neo Geo Pocket Color exposed, and that’s just the beginning.

The show, or at least the basic form of it, has only existed for little more than a year so far. Let’s take a look at one of his special episodes, Fanservice Fiesta Special: Top 5 Anime Boobies.

Right off the bat we’re greeted with a montage of huge-chested anime girls squirming around and being molested. Once your family and friends suddenly feel a profoundly strong sense of shame for you, Ross presents himself and prefaces his list with this:

 Unfortunately for me, being a fairly unattractive white male – and a nerd – I unfortunately have limited access to the real thing.

Ross not only details which cartoon girl designed to pander to awkward virgin nerds excites him the best, but also rates them on how much the anime itself focuses on their chests. Highlights include his number two pick, a catgirl character from some anime named Cat Planet Cuties, whom he refers to as “a sexy little pussy,” his distaste for lemon-shaped anime breasts, and choosing his number one on which breasts were drawn the most realistically (according to his anatomy textbooks).

Considering how objectively terrible his anime reviews are in both content and direction, it’s amazing how well he’s managed to keep a low profile online. He doesn’t seem to have much of an online presence at all beyond his anime videos and forum accounts on all the regular inept nerd hangouts (That Guy With the Glasses, ScrewAttack, etc.). I’m kind of amazed by this, since anime nerds are usually more than happy to barf out all the minor details about how exhausting it is trying to be special and live just like their animes. So kudos to you, Ross, for having some kind of idea of privacy. I’m looking forward to your Top Ten list of sexy anime toddlers.

Anime Shirt

Look at that man’s pose. He’s like Superman after shedding his Clark Kent suit. There is no shame here, there is only pride.

“If a society where dating your, brother/sister even cousins were ok, would you?” If you have siblings or any amount of self worth whatsoever, you probably said, “Hell naw, son. Why would you even ask dat shit?” That’s because the good folks over at MyAnimeList once pondered such a question. Let’s take a look at their answers.

The OP to get us started.

I want to email this to all his family members.

KissXSis is an anime where high school aged twins try to seduce their step-brother. Also, it’s ffffffffffffffffuckanime

Why bother learning how to talk to girls when grandma is just as good?

They have a reason to hate you now too.

We’re getting into some meta shit here

Let’s end on a high note.

It actually took me more than one viewing to get though this video, because as soon as I heard, “Hello, I am Twilight Windwaker,” I closed it on reflex. Good thing I wasn’t forced to listen to his anime porn preferences in public, like his junior college classmates.

There’s a new anime music crew in town!

Pedophile apologist, Colonel McBadass, decided to close all of his previous YouTube accounts after being called out on his statutory rape laws video. I’m kind of surprised he folded so quickly, considering how long he tried to play internet tough guy. Luckily for us, he decided he couldn’t just sit back and let people tell him it’s wrong to want to have sex with 13-year-olds. Here are some gems from his new accounts:

How dare girls not appreciate pedophiles!?

The Great Irish Potato Rage

Age is irrelevant!

Gotta stay legit.

Spudileo

I think pretty much everyone can universally agree that one of the worst aspects of anime is the whole “lolicon” deal. It’s common to come across debates of loli anime and its fandom, with most of its supporters and fans claiming that it’s all right since the girls aren’t real. In the end, it’s really just people trying to defend the fact that they are sexually attracted to the physical forms of children. I pretty much wanted to preface this article on Kodomo no Jikan with just how horrible all this shit is, but I think this post from Fandom Secrets really says it all:

Kodomo no Jikan is the happy-go-lucky story about the trials of a 20-something embarking on his career as an elementary school teacher. It’s a slice of life tale, showcasing all the effort and rewards about being a positive academic influence on very young children. Haha, actually it’s just about how all the 9-year-old girls in his class want to fuck him and that’s okay.

This girl is literally in third grade.

What’s that? You have a problem with how this anime/manga aggressively sexualizes young children? Heh, sorry you’re so closed-minded, you dumb baka gaijin. That’s what I would say if I posted on the MangaFox forums.

Lolicon = Shakespeare

I read it for the story, I swear!

This person has never read Lolita.

Not many pedophiles are child molesters. NOT MANY PEDOPHILES ARE CHILD MOLESTERS SDFSADF

Wait, so this thing got blocked from trying to get into the USA? Looks like the THOUGHT POLICE are once again infringing on my right to masturbate to babies! I wonder what caused the publishers to decide not to release it into the international market.

Specifically, DeAngelis stated that, during his re-review of later Kodomo no Jikan anthologies, he discovered content that he regarded as highly unsuitable for publication. The pages cited were of a scene of the main characters, Rin Kokonoe and Daisuke Aoki, stuck in a room with freezing temperatures. The two embrace in an effort to stay warm by sharing body heat, and Rin takes the opportunity to rub her crotch against Aoki’s, almost causing him to get an erection.

Oh. This is why I’m going to kill myself. I’m dead now.