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Category: Text

Fanservice Fiesta: A Carnival of Sad

by on November 18th, 2012 at 11:44 pm, under Text, Video

Where are you right now? At home? On a laptop at school? Maybe even at work? What are you doing right now? I know you’re reading this article, but what are you doing? Are you on track to advance in your career? Are you working towards graduating high school or college? Both? I know I can tell you what you’re not doing. You’re not sitting on your twin-sized anime throne, making lists of your favorite anime boobies. There’s already someone doing that. His name is Ross Faries.

Ross with favorite Sonic hoodie. Not pictured: self-awareness

Ross, a graduate of the Drunk Elmer Fudd School of Acting, is one of the hundreds of nerds trying to waddle their greasy forms into the stagnant internet reviewer world. The kind of people that think if they scream about Dino Crisis 2 into their laptop webcam hard enough, they too can develop a fandom that will validate their lives and lifestyles. Ross has decided to throw his fedora into the risky world of Anime Reviewing and squeeze out a nice bit of butter-flavored fame all for himself. There’s a ton of assholes giving half-formed opinions on anime on YouTube already, so Ross had to mix things up a bit. He decided to focus entirely on the type of anime that gives him awkward nerd boners and hosts a show called Fanservice Fiesta on his channel ParadiseandFaries.

A dumping ground for console reviews, Japanese only games re- discovered, pervy anime dissected, the Neo Geo Pocket Color exposed, and that’s just the beginning.

The show, or at least the basic form of it, has only existed for little more than a year so far. Let’s take a look at one of his special episodes, Fanservice Fiesta Special: Top 5 Anime Boobies.

Right off the bat we’re greeted with a montage of huge-chested anime girls squirming around and being molested. Once your family and friends suddenly feel a profoundly strong sense of shame for you, Ross presents himself and prefaces his list with this:

 Unfortunately for me, being a fairly unattractive white male – and a nerd – I unfortunately have limited access to the real thing.

Ross not only details which cartoon girl designed to pander to awkward virgin nerds excites him the best, but also rates them on how much the anime itself focuses on their chests. Highlights include his number two pick, a catgirl character from some anime named Cat Planet Cuties, whom he refers to as “a sexy little pussy,” his distaste for lemon-shaped anime breasts, and choosing his number one on which breasts were drawn the most realistically (according to his anatomy textbooks).

Considering how objectively terrible his anime reviews are in both content and direction, it’s amazing how well he’s managed to keep a low profile online. He doesn’t seem to have much of an online presence at all beyond his anime videos and forum accounts on all the regular inept nerd hangouts (That Guy With the Glasses, ScrewAttack, etc.). I’m kind of amazed by this, since anime nerds are usually more than happy to barf out all the minor details about how exhausting it is trying to be special and live just like their animes. So kudos to you, Ross, for having some kind of idea of privacy. I’m looking forward to your Top Ten list of sexy anime toddlers.

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Twitter Recap – Week of 10/14/12

by on October 20th, 2012 at 11:59 pm, under Text

if i had a girlfriend and she told me she dont like manga/anime movies, oh lawd
I need a girlfriend instead of watching anime all day wishing I had one .-.
Steezy Steve

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Twitter Recap – Week of 10/7/12

by on October 13th, 2012 at 11:59 pm, under Text

My dad sent me a photo of a room full of guys hugging anime girl body pillows. Is this how my and my bf rooms look like, he asks.
I actually hate my brother sooo muchhh! He hasn't got a job or a girlfriend or a social life! All he does is sit at home watching anime crap

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Twitter Recap – Week of 9/30/12

by on October 6th, 2012 at 11:59 pm, under Text

Man. The anime scenarios in my mind in which I selflessly sacrifice myself... Reality's a bitch...
Anime cartoon make the Asians seem like they have some bomb ass body, but in reality they skin a'f
I wish iwas an anime so icould be th girlfriend to mosta these characters #ifonly
I finish watching a genuinely awesome anime and all of a sudden reality kicks in and life sucks.
17 yr olds in Anime. Nice face. Six pack abs. Tall. Strong. Smart. Big boobs. Big butt. Wth. Reality is so far different.
I fckn hate Asian bitches that look like lesbian anime characters #pissoff
when people annoy me and wont leave me alone i tell them iam going to marry sasuke a anime character and have halfhumancartoonbabies lol
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Craigslist Cuddles

by on October 4th, 2012 at 5:26 pm, under Image, Text

Cuddles for Hire

Let’s Have Some Hot Cuddly Fun – m4w – 30 (Anime)

I am looking to have a lot of fun with a cute women who is interested in having hella cuddles and going on from there to even more satisfying fun. I am a white male who is 5’3 420lbs and d/d free and i know how to work it. I have my own apt and car so i can make it to you if you can’t make it to me. I am just looking to meet up with someone down to earth who enjoys just having a good time with a good guy who likes to laugh. I enjoy kissing, anime, rubbing, licking, and definitely goku among other things. So if you want to hang out with a good looking fun guy let me know and we can get together.

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Twitter Recap – Week of 9/23/12

by on September 29th, 2012 at 11:59 pm, under Text

Fucked uped world i live in. Reality stinks real bad. I wanna live in the anime world!!!
I want an anime chick as a girlfriend. Bento boxes for work lunch. Ahhhhh. :)
John Pyper

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Twitter Recap – Week of 9/9/12

by on September 15th, 2012 at 11:59 pm, under Text

Never forget, just like I never forget to post the Twitter Recap on time.

Perfect girlfriend only exist in anime :((
ItzmeAC ♛
Please stop talking to me. I don't like you and being in Anime club does not make us friends. You can stop trying to look down my jacket now
Audrey Nelepovitz
i can simply fall in love in anime but not in reality.
T____T i think i got new 'girlfriend' again. nevermind, is normal to have a new one whenever you watch a new anime right :P
Is it just me or do all Asian people look like babies and anime characters
Nick B
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Keep it in the Anime Family

by on September 14th, 2012 at 1:16 am, under Text

“If a society where dating your, brother/sister even cousins were ok, would you?” If you have siblings or any amount of self worth whatsoever, you probably said, “Hell naw, son. Why would you even ask dat shit?” That’s because the good folks over at MyAnimeList once pondered such a question. Let’s take a look at their answers.

The OP to get us started.

The OP to get us started.

I want to email this to all his family members.

I want to email this to all his family members.

KissXSis is an anime where high school aged twins try to seduce their step-brother. Also, it's ffffffffffffffffuckanime

KissXSis is an anime where high school aged twins try to seduce their step-brother. Also, it’s ffffffffffffffffuckanime

Why bother learning how to talk to girls when grandma is just as good?

Why bother learning how to talk to girls when grandma is just as good?

They have a reason to hate you now too.

They have a reason to hate you now too.

We're getting into some meta shit here

We’re getting into some meta shit here

Let's end on a high note.

Let’s end on a high note.

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Twitter Recap – Week of 9/2/12

by on September 8th, 2012 at 11:59 pm, under Text

Sigh . Reality sucks . Only if i really can go to anime world ;/
Reality is shit, I'll just stick to anime movies.
☯ Charles ☯
God please send me a sexy gamer nerdy anime watching pokemon loving girlfriend?
Your little 'girlfriend' is a straight-up bitch. Fuck you and her. And with that, I'm gonna watch some anime. Goodnight.
Rob Williams
Why do guys think anime is hot? seriously, anime girls look like 10 year olds. ew. #PEDO
Katie Price
Anime profile pics are an easy way to let people know you will die alone
Michael Hands
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Twitter Recap – Week of 8/26/12

by on September 1st, 2012 at 11:59 pm, under Text

Not trying to be racist but why all of these anime have big eyes but the reality is they japanese look like they wont open it.
If anime was reality so many people I know would be brutally murdered right now .
† Soroya †
Anime gives my troubled soul peace. It is my escape from reality
Judiel •애니메이션 인형•
No more sad tweets. Who needs a girlfriend when you've got anime?#Narutotime
Will Billau
someone seriously just said "DO U KNOW WHO U LOOK LIKE" so I kinda rolled my eyes and said "WHO" they said "AN ANIME CHARACTER!" haha omg! 👱
Miley Ray Cyrus
A nigga used to get the hardest time about anime and manga in middle school. All you could watch then was VH1 reality shows.
Chandler Bing
I'd rather spend time playing my PS3 and watching anime than putting up with some dumb bitch girlfriend.
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