The Anime Reality

I wish YouTube had some kind of time capsule service, where I could have this video play again for these girls ten years from now.

This is what it’s all about.

As long as there are PC games, there will be horrible anime mods for them. Let’s take a quick look at some gems made by people that can’t enjoy anything without Goku in it.

There are over 100 of these
Skyrim anime eyes.

Fitting Oblivion launcher.

Night Elves and Anime Swords. Oblivion in a nutshell.

But her face will get damaged!

Goku, please stop.

Somewhere, a white anime nerd is shitting his pants in rage over seeing Japanese people that want to be black.

SON ROSS, are you there? It’s me, the DAD ROSS. You don’t have to worry anymore, son, I took care of it. I kicked the door in to that weak baby’s house with my steel-toed boots and tactical NVGs equipped. He started going off in his dumb jock voice, saying shit like “Get out” and “Who are you?” I gave him the ol’ ROSS family zing and said, “Me? I’m a rock. And a rolling stone gathers no ROSS.” Then I let him have it with my Remington 870, double tap right to his anime-hating core.

I hope you can read this, SON ROSS. He had one of those message things that go out when you type them like on America Online. I had to delete some of his junk though, some more crap about the ROSS. Something about a show called Cat Planet Cuties and you spending  25% of a review on a musical sequence that plays out entirely in Japanese with no subtitles, removing any possible emotional context you were trying to get across. Is that a thing you watch? The cute cat planners? How do I send this message? Is it this publish button?

Love,

DAD ROSS

Semper fi

These things we do so that others may live

Where are you right now? At home? On a laptop at school? Maybe even at work? What are you doing right now? I know you’re reading this article, but what are you doing? Are you on track to advance in your career? Are you working towards graduating high school or college? Both? I know I can tell you what you’re not doing. You’re not sitting on your twin-sized anime throne, making lists of your favorite anime boobies. There’s already someone doing that. His name is Ross Faries.

Ross with favorite Sonic hoodie. Not pictured: self-awareness

Ross, a graduate of the Drunk Elmer Fudd School of Acting, is one of the hundreds of nerds trying to waddle their greasy forms into the stagnant internet reviewer world. The kind of people that think if they scream about Dino Crisis 2 into their laptop webcam hard enough, they too can develop a fandom that will validate their lives and lifestyles. Ross has decided to throw his fedora into the risky world of Anime Reviewing and squeeze out a nice bit of butter-flavored fame all for himself. There’s a ton of assholes giving half-formed opinions on anime on YouTube already, so Ross had to mix things up a bit. He decided to focus entirely on the type of anime that gives him awkward nerd boners and hosts a show called Fanservice Fiesta on his blip.tv channel ParadiseandFaries.

A dumping ground for console reviews, Japanese only games re- discovered, pervy anime dissected, the Neo Geo Pocket Color exposed, and that’s just the beginning.

The show, or at least the basic form of it, has only existed for little more than a year so far. Let’s take a look at one of his special episodes, Fanservice Fiesta Special: Top 5 Anime Boobies.

Right off the bat we’re greeted with a montage of huge-chested anime girls squirming around and being molested. Once your family and friends suddenly feel a profoundly strong sense of shame for you, Ross presents himself and prefaces his list with this:

 Unfortunately for me, being a fairly unattractive white male – and a nerd – I unfortunately have limited access to the real thing.

Ross not only details which cartoon girl designed to pander to awkward virgin nerds excites him the best, but also rates them on how much the anime itself focuses on their chests. Highlights include his number two pick, a catgirl character from some anime named Cat Planet Cuties, whom he refers to as “a sexy little pussy,” his distaste for lemon-shaped anime breasts, and choosing his number one on which breasts were drawn the most realistically (according to his anatomy textbooks).

Considering how objectively terrible his anime reviews are in both content and direction, it’s amazing how well he’s managed to keep a low profile online. He doesn’t seem to have much of an online presence at all beyond his anime videos and forum accounts on all the regular inept nerd hangouts (That Guy With the Glasses, ScrewAttack, etc.). I’m kind of amazed by this, since anime nerds are usually more than happy to barf out all the minor details about how exhausting it is trying to be special and live just like their animes. So kudos to you, Ross, for having some kind of idea of privacy. I’m looking forward to your Top Ten list of sexy anime toddlers.

Coming soon to the 3DS!

Obsessed anime nerds of the world, it’s time to pack it in. I mean, this is it. This is finally the anime reality. You will likely never reach the level of anime this man has. Just think about all the factors that had to be in place here. He had to be in the same car as the fight, be there long enough to know about the situation, have his katana on him, and be lucky enough not to get shot after escalating the situation by pulling a weapon. Something like this will likely never happen again, or at least not for a very long time. The only thing left for him to do now is commit seppuku and allow the anime hordes to build a statue of him out of pocky and manga.