I used to practice kendo for quite a while, and one day decided to see what kind of books on kendo were on iBooks. I had no idea at the time that my minor curiosity would lead me to find the greatest tale ever written. This epic poem will make Romance of the Three Kingdoms look like baby’s first novel. I’m talking about Kendo by Chris Mooney, written in 2005. Kendo is currently $2.99 on iTunes, but there is a generous free sample available for download. I urge every single one of you reading this to download that sample and read it, but do not buy it. If you buy it, it may encourage Chris Mooney to write a sequel, which would be the best and worst thing to ever happen.
Mooneyand Elliott. Both are hard working American students in high school. Both live normal lives like everyone else. Ya, right. After being accepted into one of the most prized private schools in Japan the two find themselves involved in an adventure that will rock the rest of their lives. Not only are the two not your average students, they are both exceptional martial artists with powers passed down for centuries, powers that both shock and baffle their exchange familys daughter, Yui. Add a little humor, a pinch of romance and a butt load of martial arts action and youve got one of the greatest martial arts epics of all time.
Reading the downloaded sample of this novel was an experience I will never forget. It was like having a fever dream while the Dragon Ball Z theme song blasted into my ears on repeat. The novel basically follows Grey Acumen and Emerald Templar, as they embark on a new life as students at a MARTIAL ARTS HIGH SCHOOL in Japan. Despite apparently being sponsored to come to Japan, go to school, and live with a host family, they just show up with no money or luggage. Their host family are kendo masters, including the young Yui, who seeks her equal in the world of kendo. Will she find her equal match/love interest in Chris!? I must know! Here are some choice parts from the very first paragraph:
Chris had his Kendo stick and his fingerless gloves that were black in color. Elliot had his own Kendo stick and also his sunglasses, that was all. Elliot was dressed in black cargo pants, white shirt and a trench coat that looked like the one off of Matrix. Chris was dressed in a set of blue cargo pants with a brown dress shirt with long sleeves. On their feet were black boots and tennis shoes. Chris wore the boots and Elliot the shoes.
I feel like I bored a hole into Chris Mooney’s head and watched his greatest anime desires spill out onto the ground. I don’t know why he decided he needed to spend three sentences describing their Grey Acumen costumes, or why he seems to always capitalize “Kendo” and “Karate” like they were angry gods that must be honored at all times. I also don’t know why he based his entire character’s martial art around kendo, but didn’t take two minutes to look it up on Wikipedia and learn some of the terminology. Why even call it a kendo stick when you’re trying to emphasize their fencing abilities? Because shut up, that’s why. You wanna know what happened to the last punks that challenged Chris Mooney?
“You American?” The youth asked in broken English. Chris smiled even wider and nodded his head. He placed a foot in front of him and placed his back right foot two inches back from his shoulder. His toes were pointed forward from his body as he hunched down and now held the Kendo stick with both hands by the handle. Elliot stepped a few feet to Chris’ right and crossed his arms with a smile [...] Chris then pushed with his left foot, which was still planted and finished the strike by following through with his movement. He stopped himself a yard away from the teen and stood up straight as the teen fell to his knees, dropping the sword which he’d been holding moments before. He held his ribs and was gasping for breath as he turned to look at Chris. Chris was still hold [sic] his Kendo stick with his right hand, his grin was still on his face.
“H-How… the….hell…????” The teen asked as Chris turned to look down on him.
“Simple, you lifted your left arm too much and I took advantage. Good night now.” Chris said as he planted both feet and hit the boy with his stick right across the right side of his face.
That would be you. You would have the Kendo stick sword blade planted into your face good night now, so you better watch your fuckin’ mouth. Only one person has managed to say anything but pure praise for Kendo and survived.
This has to be the weirdest book I’ve ever read – almost like anime in book form. Totally fanciful, unbelievable characters and no plot to speak of. The non-story just lurched from one fight scene to the next without any respite.
It was also full of bad English and typos, I was wondering if that was an ebook issue. Having said all that it was somehow strangely compelling. I actually finished reading it even though it was annoying, but I wouldn’t recommend it. Nothing like Chris Mooney’s other excellent books.
Other books? I couldn’t believe it, but a quick search for Chris Mooney’s website revealed an author of the same name. At first, I thought this was the same guy, now hoping to hide his shameful past with Kendo after moving on to gritty supernatural crime thrillers. Unfortunately, this is a different guy, though people seem to confuse him with the Kendo Chris Mooney quite a bit:
Why aren’t the books Kendo and the two nonfiction titles, The Republican War on Science and Storm World, listed on your website?
I didn’t write any of those books. Everything I’ve written is posted here on the website.
We may never see a sequel to Kendo, but at least we’ll always have the audiobook. Let’s listen to a sample:
Yu-Ghett-Oh is the hardest Yugioh squad on the street right now. Don’t take it from me, though, here’s what GhettoKaiba, the leader of the group, has to say:
So, you think your ass can duel, huh? Don’t be bringing that weak $hit here, cuz we definately be keepin’ it gangsta with every play and ain’t scared to run you out of our tournament crying like a biatch. Throw up your gang sign and chill with the crew of Yu-Ghett-Oh!!
I am your man, the Kang of Games, Ghetto Kaiba representing the Raleigh, NC section. I’m just keeping up with my own Ghetto Kingdom Tournament I hold at my crib on Wednesdays and my new foray into the offical tourneys, so if you want more than that, take that ass over to Upper Deck and get off my site, punk!
What a fucking badass. But wait, what exactly is Yu-Ghett-Oh?
Yu-Ghettt-Oh! is just like your normal Dual Monsters, but it’s definately with attitude. We have a saying here in the ‘hood : Play Ghetto or get your ass out! It seems to weed out the weenies as we have only the hardcore, trashtalkers among us.
Shit. Are you hard enough to join this Yugioh crew? I don’t think so. I know I’m not. Not even the legendary warrior GreyAcumen could step to these guys.
Check out the newest videos from the oldest (and toughest) Yugioh player in the world.
GhettoKaiba has been scammed:
Always the gentleman, GhettoKaiba dons a fedora and lets you know how to treat female Yugioh players:
LITERALLY SPRAYING CUM RN HOLY SHIT
[Ed. note: Video does not allow embedding so you have to click the link.]
Apparently Minecraft has been his new spergin obsession. He’s developed some kind of crafting mod that has apparently gained some kind of popularity. I, for one, am glad that he has been able to put his dedication and drive for doing fucking nothing his entire life to good use. I’m sure his parents are proud that his tireless efforts have allowed countless Minecraft players the ability to craft things better.
GreyAcumen, a noble swordsman and soon-to-be poet laureate, has accomplished much in life. From swinging a nodachi with the skill of a Japanese samurai to writing fiction that makes Tolstoy look like Stephanie Meyer, GreyAcumen has proven himself a master of just about every trade.
GreyAcumen began his venture into poetry with “Tired of This,” an angst-ridden piece that, while still a masterpiece by any other standard, was merely a starting point in his journey. In “I’m Missing You,” Grey revealed his soft side, adding an entirely new level of depth to his outwardly self-confident, machismo image. Months of work finally came to fruition when Grey penned his magnum opus, “I am the Sword.” In what many scholars believe to be the modern day equivalent of Beowulf, Grey conveyed a sense of glory, honor, and betrayal stronger than any historical epic poem in a mere 26 lines.
I am happy to say that these newly discovered poems contain that same GreyAcumen level of quality we have all come to expect. “Pen vs Sword,” “Gloating,” and “What it all comes down to” will forever be preserved here for future generations to study and draw inspiration from.
Pen vs Sword
The pen is mightier than the sword
that one really has me floored
with just one swipe, one downward swing
the pen is not that strong a thing
it would break against a sword
the sword is action, the pen’s all word
A poison pen, now there’s a thought
but that reeks of a lowly plot
a sword or axe or punching dagger
when struck with these your foe will stagger
They deal with things face to face
put things blunty and in their place
So face your problems, don’t be suprised
when a sharp edge cuts it down to size
but if the problem still remains, then
maybe you should have instead used a pen?
Click through for the rest of the series.
Yet another update on GreyAcumen!
Two original pieces by GreyAcumen have been uncovered. I have no idea how we missed these before.
I am the Sword (spoken word poetry)
I’m Missing You – (debut single)
WARNING: Extremely long post follows.
We at The Anime Reality did some covert IMing with Shock, one of our earlier targets on this site. When he went on the offensive against us at HentaiPalm, we decided to take matters into our own hands. Because the kindly folks at HentaiPalm aren’t very bright, they jumped to the conclusion that Grey Acumen is actually one of the founding members of yours truly, so we posed as Grey Acumen and defended Marjorie’s honor, as seen below.
I did this after reading over World of White, it inspired most of the style and to a slight extent some of the content…
I am the blade, the cold, the forged, the focus, die.
I am the edge, the steel, the bend, the rock, the hell, the eye
I am the burn, the heat, the fever, the rise, the lust
I am the dead, the empty, the void, the hope, the trust
Tell me, who are you whose name seems nothing more than that which passed?
Tell me what that name means to you who clings to the lie so fast?
What do you seek in absolution, an answer or the key to life?
A way out, an escape, seek nothing more than for a chance to rid yourself of strife?
How does hell compare to this, the heaven built on earth?
When dreams are stacked against our doubts, how can one take measure of their worth?
I am the steel, the ride, the high, the rush, the run
I am the flex, the warp, the riddle, the answer, the only one
The try, the pure, the key, the door, the endless everlasting
The cry, the tear, the pain the fear, the improving and exacting
Tell me this dream you see, does it contain the soul you hold your own?
Who does it share to face the burden, when life is too great to face alone?
Tell me what do you do to become more than what you were?
How do you last against the pressure, continue to strive even when unsure?
Why is this hope unbreakable, indestructible absolutely?
What you do, do for you. Don’t let it pass you while you stand aside so mutely.
I am the dreamer, the dream, the awakening, the sight
I am the forge, the war, the battle, the need and the fight
I am the right, the love, the ocean, the wave, the night
I am the breeze, the sky, the star, the moon, the light
I am the knight, the samurai, let my blade be thine, I will never let you die, I’ll be there for all time.
Choose as you must,
only you can choose who to trust.
I am a genius, an athlete, an artist, a writer, a gamer, a fighter, but first and foremost, I am a competitor. I love competing, even if I hate the activity, putting my skills to the test against another person brings out my absolute best. The tougher, or more skilled my opponeet is, the better, because it only means that I get that much better, that much faster. My hobbies include Smash Bros.(I had stopped for a while, and resultantly got my ass handed to me in the last game I played, so I’ve got to get back to that), DanceDanceRevolution(I own at this, and I can’t get enough), Anime, Manga, Baldur’s Gate 2(primarily modding at this point), seducing beautiful women(this has become seducing A beautiful woman, as I’ve found my soulmate and don’t intend to let her go for anything), martial arts(my own style; a mix of Akido, Wushu, and TaiKwonDo, with some other stuff thrown in), singing, gymnastics, and learning about myself and the world around me.