The Anime Reality RSS

Excerpts from “How To Be An Anime Character”

by on April 30th, 2012 at 7:45 pm, under Text

Remember Clayton Overstreet’s “How To Be An Anime Character”? We first posted about it in October 2009.

In April 2011, the author of the book himself found our post and commented on it. Now, almost exactly one year later, he came back to defend his case again. He posted some excerpts from his book in the comments of the old post, but we decided to give him the exposure of a brand new post at the top of our site. You’re welcome, Clayton. Don’t say we never did anything for you.

Note: We cleaned up the formatting of the second excerpt, because Clayton apparently writes his books in BBCode.

From the section on the Seven Anime Sins

God has rules. Anyone writing and drawing an anime probably thinks they are god. As such there are seven sins in anime that will get you killed and possibly sent to Hell. Don’t worry though, you can commit the actual seven sins and flip off Saint Peter himself and still get into Heaven in an anime. These are more along the lines of stupid stuff you should have known better than to do.

Repetitive Behavior
You’ve been dunking the same kid in the toilet since second grade. You and your friends always just sit around the classroom and talk about the same stuff. Nothing happens. Nothing changes.

What happens to me if I do this? Simple. Property damage. Loss of life. Or seriously bad luck. Something is going to come crashing into your little world whether you like it or not.

What can I do about it? Like when you’re being targeted by an assassin it’s best to vary your schedule. Go on a trip. Explore a cave or haunted house. Anything to break up the monotony. Otherwise it’ll come looking for you.

Being Ugly
Life isn’t fair even in anime. We aren’t talking about turning into some hideous monstrosity, or thinking that you’re too plain because you have brown hair and glasses. Have you ever seen Superman?
No, we’re talking about you having a flat broken nose, a forehead that practically covers your eyes (not a unibrow. Having one eyebrow works for some people), having bad teeth, zits, and eyeballs that are different sizes. Guess what? You’re not even qualified to be a head bad guy. You are either a friend or sidekick at best. It’s unfair we know, but the top guys are all incredibly good looking.

What happens to me if I do this? Let’s see. You’ll be beaten up (especially by girls), considered a pervert by every hot girl you meet, and mostly spend your days alone reading books on what it would be like if you were an anime character.

What can I do about it? Repent and thou shalt be spared! Understand that you are an ugly S.O.B. and do something about it. Claiming that you are pretty when everyone else says you aren’t or that beauty is on the inside will get you nowhere. Get plastic surgery, mutate yourself, make a deal with Satan… whatever it takes to make you into either someone gorgeous or a hideous slime-dripping mutant. Either way it’s better than just being plain old ugly and your chances of getting a date will improve.

Being Too Cute (Kawaii)
That’s right. If you’re too adorable people won’t like you much either. You’re sweet, charming, and kind to everyone! You’re tiny. You do everything you’re supposed to and even help out in the local soup kitchen. People are cruel. Otherwise the writer wouldn’t be feeding your neighbors to monsters or making it so that the main character has eight girlfriends that he never gets lucky with. The sooner you learn this the better.

What happens to me if I do this? For starters you could be regulated to cooking everyone’s meal for life to keep you out of the way, but most likely you’ll be kidnapped. Everyone likes you. That makes you the perfect bargaining chip.

What can I do about it? You’ll probably grow out of it by the time you hit fifteen. If you don’t then you can try making yourself less cute. Secretly sabotage anyone who likes the guy/girl you like. Play pranks. Hang out with the “wrong crowd” at school. If you’re a boy you can be a pervert. If you are a girl you can develop and explosively violent temper and a penchant for hitting perverted boys with hammers. Or just go for it. You’re too cute for the bad guy to be allowed to hurt you anyway.

Having Children
The star of a major anime cannot have kids. They cramp your style, take up all that money you need for mecha parts and sword polish, and they get into all those family secrets you’ve been trying to keep.

What happens if I do this? The kid either unleashes the horrible evil you’ve been trying to contain and becomes the hero or villain while you have to go off to work to pay for the property damage or they get kidnapped or engaged (sometimes to the same person/thing) and you have to deal with it. You have to train them or their kids, sacrifice your life to save theirs, or maybe they will turn on you and kill you. As an anime character you could conceivably live forever… unless you have kids.

What can I do about it? You could try to kill the kid. But if you are a good guy that usually isn’t an answer unless they are possessed by some unspeakable evil, which you probably can’t kill anyway. I suggest either abandoning your family or adopting the kid out. You can’t take the time to care for it/them like you should, so drop the little brats off at your nearest relative, your spouse, or orphanage and never talk to them again. That way, even if they think you are dead, you’ll get to show up again later and help them out in some cool way. In the meantime you get a good fifteen to twenty years where you don’t have to think twice about them while you are off having adventures. Besides, do you know how much it sucks sticking around a house where every hot member of the opposite sex wants your kid and not you?

Ignoring Advice
This is when you get told to train in martial arts for no reason, keep watch over a specific object and not ask questions, or just plain “Don’t go in there.” Whether it’s an old man, an ancient prophecy, or a creepy kid with glowing eyes, if someone asks you to do something do not just write them off. Give it some serious thought. However this is a minor sin and there’s not much point in listening to the advice anyway. You see if you do follow other people’s advice eventually you get a bit repetitive and we all know what happens then.

What happens if I do this? The mystical object or creature you were supposed to guard may fall into the enemy’s hands resulting in countless deaths. It is best just to guard the thing and use it as villain bait than to have to get it back later. The bad guy needs it to do any real damage anyway. It is also easier to fight the unnamable evil if you already have your fighting moves down when it shows up. If you follow the advice someone else enters the tomb and unlocks the door that should have remained shut and you’ll get to say, “Wasn’t me!”

What can I do about it? Once you’ve ignored the advice, when something bad happens you can try to make up for it. Get whatever escaped back in the hole or on your side. Take up the family business and fight the monsters. Have a kid. Then when he is fifteen it’ll be his problem and you can get a job in a nice safe office building or demon-proof Shinto shrine somewhere far away and leave them with grandpa to train.

Being a Loner
You can’t make it on your own. If you are a bad guy you need faceless minions and trusted lieutenants to send after the good guy before they fight you. If you are a good guy you need someone to drag your unconscious body out of the line of fire when you lose your second or third fight. The more people or things you have on your side the longer you live. I’m not saying that you have to hang out with them or even be polite. You just need some help.

What happens if I do this? At worst you die. Painfully and quickly and mostly for being a total know it all jerk. At best you end up the butt of every joke when you show up and the edges of roofs collapse below you or you fall into a hole that you’re sure wasn’t there before.

What can I do about it? Keep an eye out for groups of good looking kids or one person about your age who happen to hang out in the same area those new superheroes with the exact same features have been sighted in (you know, those punks who have been “getting in your way” when you are trying to save the world? If these kids wore those tiny masks you could almost swear they were the same people.) Strike up a conversation. Offer them five bucks to pay for lunch. Or when you see those completely unrelated superheroes with the same builds and hair color in the costumes fighting monsters, wait until one gets in over their head and save them.
The best part? The hottest female character will be yours. The worst part? She’s probably not even your type, but now you’re stuck with her.

From the section describing the lay-out of the average anime high school

Bathrooms – Complete privacy from the opposite sex…. Ha! Just kidding! The locks? They don’t work. Privacy? Forget about it. Showering, bathing, using the toilet, washing your hands, smoking, or making out with someone…  you have no privacy, least of all in the bathroom. Where people can’t follow you the camera will. At least once a week someone who should not be there will walk in through the wrong door, need to use a toilet when all the rest are  full, or flat out appear out of thin air. Get used to it and be glad you left the creepy old guy back at your house.

The Basement – It’s best to avoid the school’s basement. Whether because it’s the perfect place for a horror scene, leads to a maze that spreads for miles underground in every direction, or because you may run into the janitor  who still laments his failure to train electric mice to cockfight. If you have to go down there take the smart kid who can spend the time before something bad happens fixing the boiler so it won’t keep breaking down every week or  who can figure out what the weird machines and ancient artifacts are about.

The Dorms – Since the only person waiting at home is a creepy old guy or your suspiciously sexy mother, it’s probably best to move out as soon as possible. Which is why despite the year round uniforms and strict rules, many kids would rather live on campus than not. Especially since this way they never have to cross the Courtyard.

Be sure you want to live here before you move in. Living in a boarding school means you may develop a strange accent completely different from your friends and family.

Check out his book at Amazon.com, but do yourself and everyone else a favor and don’t buy it.

email
:, , , Top

7 Comments for this entry

1 Trackback or Pingback for this entry

Leave a Comment

Set up or change your avatar.

Legal Disclaimer

Content posted on The Anime Reality is solely for the purpose of satire and entertainment, and is not copyright anyone associated with this site. Especially not us.

Archives